Breathe
by TheShepherds
Summary: A twist on the season six finale; what if Meredith hadn't lost the baby during the shooting? Follow Meredith through her journey of motherhood in the midst of her residency. Will she be a good mother or will she doubt her abilities? Canon MerDer. Season seven AU. Fluff, drama, and porny goodness to come!
1. Chapter 1 Surprise!

_Chapter One | Surprise!_

* * *

Meredith couldn't decipher if the baby lodged deep in her uterus was causing the nausea uproar or if her nerves had finally taken the reigns. Either way, she felt inexplicably ill. The worst part of this might have been that she was alone. Painfully on her own through this journey of horrific morning sickness. She wanted to snort. _Morning Sickness _was a cutesy term some imbecile, probably a stupid man, came up with. Her nausea was not limited to dawn. At first there had been a schedule. Yes, it still wasn't a morning schedule but a designated time nonetheless. Since Gary Clark showed up and decided shooting the hospital was a grand notion, her body's internal puking clock was way off. Now she spewed at any time of any day, making it that much harder to keep baby Shepherd-Grey a secret.

It was seven in the evening and Meredith Grey was dry heaving over porcelain. A far cry from early hours. Derek thankfully wasn't home. Trying to empty her stomach with him around was proving to be more difficult than she bargained for. In the beginning, it was easy. He was immobile in their bed and drugged on pain pills. That man couldn't move his arm the first couple weeks much less rush to her aid when she was vomiting. There was no way in hell she would let him know either, at least not yet.

Meredith had been dying to lick her lips but the taste of bile remained present on cavern. Toothbrush and toothpaste were definitely heavy on her mind but in the moment she could not revoke from the cozy spot on the bathroom floor. When she first found out the news, Meredith wanted nothing more than to tell her husband she was carrying their first chatty child. They were going to eat takeout and have dirty sex. That was the plan.

Of course plans changed and a gunman erupted from thin air.

No time seemed like the right time. At first, Derek had been so sick. The bullet to his chest and the emergency surgery took nearly everything from him. Admitting she was pregnant in that time felt wrong. She allotted too much time to pass and now **no** time felt right.

Just recently Meredith hit the ten week mark and she was long overdue for an ultrasound. A part of her couldn't bring herself to make the appointment without Derek there. The doctor in her was practically kicking herself for waiting this long but the wife inside was trembling with fear. She imagined Derek might be roiling in anger if she went to the first ultrasound without him.

Her belly grumbled akin to a lions roar and she desired to scowl. How was it that a woman could barf her guts out and still be raging with hunger? Meredith pulled herself from the floor. Once she scrubbed the taste from her mouth she could extinguish her hunger with a hot pocket or maybe some of those double fudge brownies she bought from the grocery store a couple days before. She could hear Derek's disapproval of her bad eating habits in her head. But Meredith was far too cranky and hungry to care.

She spread a thick layer of Crest across her tooth brush and shucked the device into her mouth. Bristles met teeth and tongue. She sighed with satisfaction as taste of bile was replaced with minty goodness. Absently her right hand found a cozy spot just down below against her navel. Meredith caught herself doing this a few times in recent weeks. She was no where near showing a pudge or bump but she was cognizant a tiny baby was floating inside her. It was like a motherly instinct or something. She just had to caress her child.

Another loud rumble boomed from her stomach. She snickered. "You have the same appetite mommy does huh?" Commenting on her own eating habits. Derek tended to compare her to a bottomless garbage disposal at times and it seemed baby Shepherd-Grey was following in her footsteps.

Spitting, rinsing, and placing her toothbrush back in its holder, Meredith finally exited the master bathroom. The bed was rumpled and unmade from when she and Derek were napping earlier. _I'll get it later _Meredith though and shuffled from the bedroom. House was quiet. No Alex or Lexie or Derek. She was alone for the first time in a long time.

Well, maybe not _alone _because of the baby.

She stroked her face, sure that her clammy palm caught onto slabs of mascara, giving her the eye of a raccoon although Meredith couldn't care. The grandfather clock ticked in tune with her socked feet when she hurried down the wooden staircase. It was quiet. A silence she rarely met while home. Usually her roommates and husband created enough noise that picked up no matter where she was in the house. Now it was bleak from sounds.

Belly growling akin to a beastly animal. "I'm getting you some food!" Meredith spit with a shrill. The tiny blonde nearly slipped on her stride to the kitchen in an effort to feed and Fetus. Her nose wrinkled when examining the contents of their fridge. Mostly leftovers from takeout. There was a jammed Dominos Pizza box from the previous night but Meredith didn't think her appetite fell under the cold pizza category.

"Hungry?" Meredith nearly jumped from her skin. A squeak caught in her throat at the voice of her husband. What was Derek doing home? He was supposed to mid-meeting with Richard back at the hospital.

To avoid eliciting the remainder of frothy air from their fridge, Meredith closed it. Her belly was still purring with hunger and she prayed it's plead would quiet some.

Derek's bright eyes pierced against hers. She watches with keen attention when he folded his blazer over a chair at the table and his briefcase to follow. He was wearing jeans. Dark and skinny. A drastic change from the more casual pair he wore around the house. These pants made her body shake with sudden arousal. He did look really freaking good in fitted denim. His thumb and forefinger worked in unison to undo the top button of his oxford. She nearly whimpered catching a glimpse of his chest hair. A fuzzy patch that hadn't been there a few weeks ago.

"You're home." Meredith said softly and she brushed back a strand of loose hair.

Derek grinned. "Yes, I live here, Mer." He pressed his lips to hers for a short and sweet peck. Like a habit that they'd perform for the rest of their lives.

She rolled her eyes. "You know what I meant. You're supposed to be in a meeting with Webber right now."

"And here I thought you would be happy to see me." He laughed. "It wrapped faster than I anticipated." He added.

This alleged meeting was to talk about what happened next in regards of her husband's career. Chief had been on Derek's itinerary since she met him five years ago. It was always a goal for him, even if Meredith was never fond of those wishes.

She tapped her fingers slow against the countertop. "When do you start back as Chief?" Meredith gulped. It was evident he would choose the position over head of neurosurgery again. Derek relished power, a little like herself, and relinquishing his grip on chief felt unlikely. Of course _she _wanted him to step down but on his accord. Not because her uterus was occupied and her Mommy Hormone Levels were sky high. If Derek were to give up his spot, it was because he desired that.

Derek laughed harsh. "Chief of neuro?" He said.

"What?"

"I gave it up, Mer." Her husband whispered. Stepping forward he grabbed her hand in his and he squeezed.

This was not at all how she imagined her evening panning out. The Derek she knew would have reclaimed his spot as Chief without hesitation. "You love being chief." Meredith husked, almost breathless with her words.

He shook his head. "No, I love you. I love surgery. I love having you in my OR. Being chief doesn't give me that privilege. I'm a secretary more than I'm a surgeon. My hands shake, Mer. They shake because I miss the thrill of performing surgery on someone's open brain. Being shot was a wake up call. Life is too short for me to sit back and do paperwork all day. That's not who I am."

Tears sprung in her irises akin to an early spring rain. She was infested by hormones and the piece of her that normally rejected emotion was demolished. "Being Chief takes time away from the things I love." He continued softly. "I was never home and things between us have been shit. For years I watched Richard Webber's marriage flatline because he chose the job over a life. There is so much that I want, Meredith. I don't just want to take on great cases but I want a life with you. I want babies. A family, Mer."

She could feel her heart sputter at the mention of children. They had this conversation months ago. Before she knew of a baby occupying her womb. Children kind of terrified Meredith. When he initially asked her to think about a baby she was a wreck. No child would want her as a mother. Not when said mother is dark and twisty. But then he had spoken with her. Talked her through the nerves and insisted children were a good thing. Derek didn't want Meredith to be alone if something should happen to him. Even then nerves still lingered. Was she the right person to be a parent?

But a positive pregnancy test changed her tune. It was all so real now. She was pregnant and there was no reverse button to change it. "A baby?" She gasped.

Derek chuckled gingerly. His cold fingers nearly sizzled against her molten cheek as he pushed back her dangling bangs. "One baby, for now. We talked about this and I know you said we should wait. I'm okay to wait but I want you to know that whenever you decide you're ready, I'm ready. You don't have to quit birth control yet or track when your next egg is dropping. But I do want more of us. And if I'm chief we don't get that opportunity." His hand dropped to her flat belly and she nearly came unglued. The words, _you're going to be a dad, _almost slipped from her lips.

She couldn't tell him this way. Maybe Meredith sucked at the family thing and surprises but it was supposed to be special. Derek loved special. He came from an enormous family of Shepherd's who did special almost every single day of their lives.

"I-I do want a baby." Meredith confirmed. "A year ago the idea of being a mom made me want to hide in a ditch somewhere. But you've changed a lot of things for me, Derek. I didn't think I was capable of love or being in love but here we are; married and talking about chatty Shepherd babies. If you think I won't corrupt it then children are good, at least I think."

His expression was brilliant. Derek smiled so bright it nearly made her corneas burn but in the best way possible. Even if she turned out to be a crappy mom, Derek would love their baby enough for the both of them. "Oh, Mer. The fact that you care so much about not destroying our child already means you would be such a good mom."

She placated her hand over her belly and her fingers brushed Derek's. "Yeah?" A hopeful grin twitched.

"I see the way you are with patients. You care about people, Meredith. You're nothing like your mother."

She was feeling somewhat better. Yes, she was still ridden by anxiety about pending parenthood but Derek was very reassuring. He could usually always turn her fears away. Maybe she was capable of doing this. Being **this **person.

"Do you remember the day of the shooting when I walked into your office and asked if we could have takeout for dinner to talk about some stuff? And then I said we could have dirty sex? Do you want to do that, maybe tonight?" It was stupid or she felt stupid anyways. Her original plan to tell him about the baby was over Italian takeout. She wanted to stick to her guns, what she knew. Did Derek deserve something better? She should have gone out and bought one of those t-shirts that reads "World's Best Dad" or something. Her husband would appreciate the cheesiness. He was all about cheese and corny gestures.

He laughed softly. "Are you saying you miss sex?" There'd been little to no intimacy in that way since the shooting. Derek had been far too tethered to perform something carnal with her. The closest they had gotten to naked intimacy was the shower they took together just days after his surgery. No porny goodness was involved though as she was only there to keep him upright.

Meredith's cheeks bubbled with heat. Of course she missed sex with her husband. Little did he know this love making session would be celebratory of not simply his career decision but a human they created. "Hmm, would it get you into bed faster?" She purred.

"Possibly..." Derek twisted an arm around her neck, pulling Meredith close. Their lips collided in an urgency she had not felt with him since before the accident. His cavern was needy against her own and his tongue was nearly trembling against hers. She wanted him _bad. _Her mommy hormones were not confined to tears and random bouts of hunger, but sexual desire as well which may as well be a plus to the pregnancy thing.

Right now, the only thing Meredith was famished for was Derek. The notion of eating escaping her when he randomly throws her over his shoulder.

"Derek!" She squealed. He wasn't running but he was definitely carrying her. Something he had been unable to do since his surgery. Her feet jabbed at his abdomen in an attempt to playfully escape his clutches but deep down Meredith had no desire to leave his arms.

* * *

There were moments for Meredith. Moments that defined life for her and she was cognizant this was one.

A gray sheet draped her lower half, leaving nothing to the imagination up above. Her breasts felt heavy and tender hanging from her chest although it was a distant thought. She found her boobs to be the most drastic change of her pregnancy thus far. Her tummy was still flat and she couldn't for the life of her find the _glow _everyone seemed to ogle over. But her breasts were different. She was... bustier. That was the word Cristina used a couple days ago when Meredith was changing in the resident's lounge. The night before Meredith took a longer look in the mirror after her shower. Her nipples were noticeably darker and much larger than before. All in all that was the most drastic difference her naked eye could spot.

She was optimistic the changes in her bosom weren't so noticeable that Derek could piece her secret together before she told him. He'd yet to say anything. They finished making love a half hour ago. Her husband laved her chest with love and adoration in the midst of it all. But not a single word regarding the changes. Maybe it was a guy thing and he wasn't worried if her nipples looked different or not.

Then again this was Derek Shepherd. A man who had spent hours of his life discovering every inch of her body like it was his burning need to do so. She was worrying herself to a stupor wondering if he really knew and was giving her time to come clean. Derek would do that for her.

She breathed heavy when reaching for another slice of greasy pizza. They're eating naked in their bed and it reminded her of college. Although she did want to giggle watching Derek nearly break into hives witnessing the way she scarfed down another piece.

"Mer, that's your fourth slice." Derek said, shock lacing his tone.

Meredith rolled her eyes and her belly growled in an attempt to tell her she was still famished. If it weren't for the baby she thinks maybe this would be her last piece. "I told you I was hungry." She giggled softly. Meredith begged Derek to order a pizza after he sexed her to heaven and back. That hunger she ignored when he waltzed through the door two hours before came barreling back in full force.

He wiggled the toes that peeked from beneath his favorite blanket and laughed. "I think I've learned to never doubt your hunger my little human garbage disposal."

"Bite me." Meredith narrowed her eyes at him and stuffed the remainder of her extra cheesy slice into her mouth.

"I did that earlier, remember?" Derek's brows wiggled.

Meredith could feel her body cauterizing at the memory of his mouth migrating over her frame a half hour earlier. She glanced to her shoulder where he truly had nibbled and sucked at her skin. The mark left was red but would darken by morning. Nothing a fresh Henley and periwinkle scrubs couldn't cover though.

She brushed the remnants of tomato sauce from her upper lip with the back of her hand. Leaning over their bed, Meredith pressed a softer kiss to the corner of Derek's lips. "Mmm, yes I do." She asserted and smiled gently. "I'm glad you're going to be back at work tomorrow." She added and leant her head down on his shoulder.

Derek's hand caressed her lower back. Almost seamlessly locating the spot that's been bothering her the last couple of weeks. Her breath nearly hitched.

"Me too. I miss working with you."

She missed him too. Meredith was a little embarrassed by the overwhelming amount she missed him when at work. The hospital was different these days. With Derek gone something felt off. It wasn't like before when he took a day off or was sick with the stomach bug. This had been his longest absence from work since they met and it had been strange. She felt a little lonely too. Even when Cristina was there.

"If you get a totally cool case tomorrow can I scrub in?" She scrunched her nose against his shoulder blade.

"You, me, a ferryboat scrub cap, and crazy case tomorrow. It's a date." Derek announced. She realized it wasn't normal to categorize surgery as a date. But she and her husband had always defied the odds of normalcy. They married on a post-it for crying out loud.

They lounged silently for the following minutes. Derek's hand still firm against her spine, it's warmth radiating through her bare skin.

The winding scar from his surgery catches her eye. Bouts of dark chest hair have begun to eclipse the fleshy mark. She barely noticed it during the sex. Meredith was all too consumed by his hands on her hips or the way his tongue ran along the concave dip in her collarbone. She didn't mind his wounds though. She's curious if Addison or a past girlfriend of his ever cared about superficial things like that. She and Derek made a pretty banged up team; his surgery scar and the one on his forehead from his motorcycle accident. She had a couple on her belly from the appendectomy and the liver resection. Silently her thumb traced just below her bellybutton, she thinks stretch marks might soon greet her pre-existing scars.

Meredith watched Derek's eyes circle to her chest and her body perspired. She untangled herself quickly. "They're making us do therapy." She changes the subject to distract him from her larger breasts. "Stupid therapy because they think we all have trauma or whatever. It's dumb. I mean I'm fine, you're fine, everyone is fine." Her mouth moves a million miles a minute.

"Are you sure you're okay? We've never really... talked about it." He inquired.

"Of course I'm fine. The stupid therapy man thinks I'm not though. He cleared everyone for surgery, but me. And I wasn't even shot, Derek!" She said with annoyance warping her tone.

Derek's fingers curled against her shoulder and his head tilted every so slightly. His famous head tilt. The one that wipes every drop of anger Meredith is withholding away. His stupid brain man head tilt. And he cracked a sly grin. "Stupid therapy man?"

She shoved his shoulder with her palm. "Shut up!" Meredith growled, pulling her knees to her chest.

"He's just doing his job, Mer. I was shot and you're my wife. He probably just wants to be thorough that you're alright. I don't remember much after the bullet hit me but I do have flashes of you kneeling over me with my blood covering your hands. You kept saying I wasn't allowed to die. That's scary, Meredith. If that would have been you... I would have been a fucking nightmare. I _was _a nightmare when you drowned. Watching the person you love nearly die is traumatizing. I get it." He whispered. "You don't have to be this person who hides her emotions and pretends to be okay all the time. It's great if you are really fine but if you aren't, that's okay too."

Meredith shivered thinking back to when Gary Clark threatened to shoot Derek again if Cristina didn't stop operating. She had been willing to take a bullet for her husband if it meant his life was spared. He had no idea about that. She was pregnant with his baby and she had been willing to die for him. She really thought that was okay.

"I am fine." She settled on concluding that much. Meredith Grey could be fine after watching a man shoot her husband because of all the other terrible crap that's gone on in her life. Someone like Lexie wouldn't be fine after that because was bright and shiny and grew up with smiley face posters lining her walls. But Meredith, she was dark. She gets to come out of the situation unscathed because of her twisted past. "Are _you _fine?" She turned the conversation point to him.

Derek chuckled burly. His fingers traced the lining of the gray pillow lying over his lap. "As fine as a guy can be after being shot." He answered. "I'm good. I'm anxious to get back in the OR and start living our lives again."

"You sure you're fine? Because last night you were driving that fancy new Porsche of yours awfully fast." Meredith teased. They we're heading out to CVS to pick up some bandaids and peanut butter M&M's for herself. A spark lined his irises as he cruised along the highway, zipping twenty miles over the speed limit. She imagined that was Derek's definition of being a 'bad boy.' Something nabs at her insisting he didn't really know what living vicariously really meant. But she giggled to herself and let him enjoy the idiotic fantasy.

Twisting his neck, Derek said, "It's my new toy, maybe I just want to live on the edge."

"Right because 'living on the edge' is totally safe and not at all stupid."

"It's not. Have you ever driven eighty-five miles on the freeway? I swear Mer, it's riveting. Especially in the Porsche. You like the Porsche." He preened.

Meredith rolled her eyes at his statement. "Yeah, maybe when I was twenty-two and stupid. You're a grown man, I swear you're going to get pulled over sooner or later and I am going to let you rot in a jail cell for the night to teach you a lesson."

"I don't look good in orange..." Derek sighed in referral to the standard criminal jumpsuit.

She giggled softly. "No one does."

"You would." His eyes beamed. "You would look really sexy in one of those orange jumpsuits."

"Derek Christopher Shepherd, are you trying to tell me I would make a good criminal?"

"A hot criminal." The tip of his tongue lined his thinner lips.

Meredith quivered at the gesture. "Try telling me that when I'm a fat whale in a couple of months. Let's see how well your jailhouse fantasy works for you then." The words slipped so easily from her throat she barely registered asserting them. Her breath caught in her esophagus like a thick lump of molasses. That isn't how she was pictured telling him. Derek deserved special. He was all about the stupid special crap.

"You think you're already pregnant after one time between the sheets?" He asked. Her chest constricted tight. Derek hadn't caught onto what she was featuring but Meredith couldn't decide if she was relieved or not.

She bit back her lip. _Screw cheery surprises and special crap. _"No, Derek." Meredith whispered. "I am pregnant, I've been pregnant."

"I don't understand..." He said through a strained whisper.

"I wanted us to have dirty sex and eat takeout naked not just for the hell of it but I was planning on telling you in one of those cutesy ways. Except my stupid pregnant brain blurts shit whenever it wants to and I had to make a comment about being a whale." Meredith reached for the sheet to wrap herself with, suddenly feeling the need to conceal herself.

Derek blinked. "That day in my office when you asked if I was going to be home... you knew then, didn't you?"

Meredith nodded and a rush of guilt spread within her. She had her reasons for keeping it a secret for so long. Using his injuries as an excuse to hide the fact they would be parents in less than seven months. But she'd been selfish in doing so. Selfishly terrified this wasn't what he wanted because the timing really sucked. If she had known her husband was stepping down from Chief, she would have said something sooner.

But it didn't excuse the secrecy either. "I'm sorry. I-I'm ten weeks. I puke a lot, in fact all freaking day long. I cry watching those animal shelter commercials. The smell of blood makes me nauseous and I take a nap whenever I can at work because the baby makes me _so _tired. I eat even more than I did before, hence the four slices of pizza and I'm embarrassed to say I'm still hungry. Not to mention my boobs are already gigantic and they hurt. Like really freaking hurt. So if you're mad, then be mad, but I promise the first trimester has not been glamorous and in fact if I were you I'd be happy to have had nothing to do with it."

She awaited the screams, yelling, barking. Derek had a temper the size of Texas and when he got mad... it was not a side of him she favored. Meredith wasn't scared of her husband. Normally if he bitched she bitched back harder. That's how they operated. Except maybe in this moment she was slightly terrified he might blow his top at her and she would uncontrollably spiral into sobs because of her feral hormones.

"I had a feeling." Derek sighed.

"What?"

"A feeling. I-I didn't know. I didn't know if I was just high on pain killers or maybe I was losing it. But Mer, you're glowing. My sisters talk about the pregnancy glow and I rolled my eyes but now I get it. You've been... lighter. I see it on your skin and in your eyes." His lips quirked a grin.

Meredith frowned slightly. "You think I'm glowing?"

"Oh I don't think," Her husband started. "I know. I've known all along you just confirmed it for me. And I get that you probably don't buy into the happy, glowing, pregnant lady shit but you really are. Of course there were other things that made me questionable. Like the fact you've taken a random liking to peanut butter M&M's or that you got teary eyed watching a lifetime movie the other night. Oh and the boobs. God, I couldn't stop staring at them when we were making love earlier." Derek smirked.

Blush eclipsed her chest, neck, and cheeks. He wasn't mad and in fact had practically known all along. "You aren't furious I kept it a secret?"

He shook his head. "I was waiting for you to tell me on your own, if I'd been right, and I was. I didn't want to spook you and ask in case you weren't. But I'm not mad at you. Mer, you're the one carrying the baby around for nine months."

She dropped a hand to her flat belly. The sheet she'd been using as a buffer slowly sank and uncovered her bare skin for Derek's gaze to feast at. He had noticed the boobs and the weird mood swings, but he gave her space and that was... really kind of amazing. She didn't think any other husband in the world would be this understanding. Then again, most men weren't used to women like Meredith either.

"I knew you were probably scared and worried about being a mom. I know you and your doubts. Me breathing over your shoulder, making you want the baby wouldn't have done any good." He added.

"Oh," She cooed. "Derek, I've always been excited about the baby. I wasn't upset the day I took the test or mad at all. Maybe a little freaked but the good kind of freaking."

Her husband's grin was kilowatt when she lifted her head. Already she knew he was over the moon about this baby. "You were just so hesitant when we talked about this a few months ago." He replied.

She remembered the conversation. Just before he rolled on top of her and suggested they "practice" their baby making skills. She was frazzled over that. She thought no baby would want her as a mother. "I was and I am freaked but when I saw the positive pregnancy test, something changed. This overwhelming amount of joy rushed over me. I don't know if I'm going to be a great mom or whatever but I'm not mad that we made a life together."

"We're having a baby." Derek whispered. A trace of perpetual euphoria laced his voice through and through. He was happy. So happy about the baby. For all the crap they had suffered this was a slice of goodness.

Meredith nodded and a glint of joyful tears brimmed her waterline. "We're having a baby." She shot him a watery smile and curled her arms around his neck. Derek reciprocated her hug and squeezed her waist. They shared a softer kiss and she nuzzled her nose against his. Her skin heated when his palm pressed to her stomach.

Maybe life wasn't so dark and twisty after all.

* * *

**Hi everyone! I just wanted to quickly say I hope you enjoyed the first chapter of this new story. Basically this is a what if scenario for the season six finale. What if Meredith hadn't lost the baby during the shooting? I feel the dynamic would be far different from her season nine pregnancy and I wanted to explore it. **

**This won't necessarily follow the season seven storyline like SYBG is following season fifteen simply because Meredith being different basically changes everything for MerDer. I'm going to focus some on her pregnancy but the big thing is Meredith's task of juggling motherhood and being a resident together. The story will most likely only be told from her view!**

**Leave me a review if you enjoyed and would like to see more. I'm stuffing all the angry feelings I have about Meredith and DeLuca through writing MerDer so I hope you don't mind some fluff here and there. **

**Thank you for taking your time to read this and I can't wait crank out some more for you all!**


	2. Chapter 2 Hormones

_Chapter two | Hormones_

* * *

Pregnancy was weird. This Meredith concluded weeks before, but it never lost its meaning. She categorized herself as a woman in control of her emotions. Meredith Grey wasn't the type of woman to put her feelings on a pedestal for the world to see. In fact, she rarely put what she felt out there for _anyone _to take a gander at. For years her husband spent an incredulous amount of time prying her open bit by bit. Derek had been successful. She was much more open with him now about what really was going on inside her head and heart than she was when they first met. But even so, there were still some things Meredith wouldn't allow herself to do.

Albeit, her permeated womb had other plans.

It seemed the baby was now in control of almost any feeling she had. No emotion Meredith felt was ever kept secret. The wild hormone train reminded her of a patient she rounded on with Derek years ago who blushed every time she felt an inkling of a feeling. Of course for Meredith her face wasn't crimson but her irises definitely puddled with tears or her lips practically ached from laughing so much.

She vividly remembers making fun of cheesy rom-coms on tv with Cristina over how dramatic the pregnant women were. At that time, Meredith still despised the simple notion of being a mother and figured she'd never be left to deal with the issue. Now she was _really_ pregnant and suffering through an emotional cesspit of baby induced hormones.

Thinking she could control whether something made her smile or crumble to tears was a joke. Meredith, being exactly who she is, really assumed she was beyond the typical pregnant lady crap. Maybe her dark and twisty was useful in other departments such as being immune to trauma or never shedding tears at funerals but not in this case. Her nerves were jostled and twisted akin to tangled wires. She was a ticking time bomb essentially and one wrong step would set her off.

"Your eyes are red." Cristina snickered when pulling a light blue scrub top over her head.

Meredith brushed her lids with the back of her palm, feeling appreciative she opted against mascara today. "Shut up."

Her friend snorted. "Someone's in a mood today."

She inhaled slowly. "I'm not in a mood, I'm just..." _pregnant. _It's what she wanted to say so freaking bad. Barely anyone knew about the pregnancy. In fact the only people she had told so far were Derek, Cristina, and Lexie although that was merely a fluke. Her sister caught wind of conversation she was having with Derek in the kitchen a couple days ago. She was met with squeals of delight and her sister kneeling by her flat stomach, murmuring baby talk. The excursion was all a little strange for Meredith and she nearly smacked Derek across the face when she found him quietly chuckling in the corner.

All in all, her pregnancy was still much of a mystery to everyone. Not even the chief knew which she understood would become an issue if she kept ignoring the conversation. Being pregnant meant sooner than later Meredith wasn't going to be able to work languorous shifts anymore. She would have to trade in trolling for cases on Tuesday nights for quiet evenings reading _What to Expect When You're Expecting. _

"I had a rough night." Meredith concluded as she slipped her navy converse over her heel. "And I'm tired."

"Too much sex with McDreamy?" Alex chimed from behind. Meredith could feel her skin heat at the admission and she did all that she could to repress a hormone induced screaming match to rear its ugly head.

She watched as he snickered and fastened the watch on his left wrist. "You're just pissed I'm getting laid every night and you aren't." A wicked grin stretched.

"Hey I was shot, I have a reason to be celibate." He concluded with a sneer.

"Shepherd was shot and he's still getting laid." Jackson commented somewhere beyond the cluster of residents bustling to dress for the workday.

Meredith really wanted to giggle at the way her friends face shifted from pasty white to crimson. "I think Lexipedia just dumped you and **that's **why you're not getting any." Cristina said.

Alex didn't rebuttal and instead stormed from the residents lounge in an angry march. Meredith shared a look with her person and they snickered together. "That bullets made him moodier than you." Cristina mumbled. "Is McDreamy suffering any post gunshot mood swings?"

"No, but I think he's having a midlife crisis. He bought a new Porsche and drives that thing like he's in a race or something." Meredith sighed.

She watched as the remainder of residents exited, leaving she and Cristina on their own. "Oh so he wants to be a NASCAR driver now?"

Meredith laughed. "No, but a couple weeks ago when he was stuck in bed he got really caught up in watching this race on TV. I think it was the Grand Prix but anyways he said it was 'exhilarating' or something. I think he just wants to be like _Patrick Dempsey._"

Cristina rolled her eyes while pulling her crisp lab coat up on her shoulders. "Derek wishes he could be as extraordinary as Patrick Dempsey. The man is a legend, Derek is... well he's McDreamy."

"You know people have said Derek looks a lot like that guy before. Maybe that's why he's trying to live out his speed demon fantasy."

Meredith grabbed her pager, clipped it to her waist, and followed her friend out of the lounge. She absently brushed her digits over the smooth material of her cerulean scrubs, just over her navel. She still found it difficult to grasp at times that there was a human life in there. Perhaps the idea would really settle once she started to gain a little more weight and her belly rounded out.

"No, Patrick has better hair than McDreamy." Cristina added.

As they roamed the halls, Meredith couldn't help but notice how barren the place seemed. When she was forced to return to work two weeks after Derek's accident, the hospital was dry with patients. She expected that. No one yearned to be in the same place a gunman had shown up to. But even now it looked deserted. The lack of patients wasn't all crappy. It did give her an excuse to nap when fetus exhausted her. It also gave Meredith the chance to take it nice and easy, something she never really grasped at before being pregnant. And maybe if she was lucky the dry oasis would give her a chance to spend the day with her husband on his first day back.

Speaking of, Derek nearly crashed into her, Mark by his side. "Oh god, Mer!" He apologized, breathless.

"In a hurry?" She asked.

"No I um, I was actually looking for you."

"Me?"

Derek's expression softened and he titled his head slightly to the left. Whatever it was he needed to see her for must have had something to do with the baby or else he would've murmured it aloud. He knew Cristina was in the know but clearly his practical brother Mark was still oblivious. She didn't mind if he said something but Mark Sloan was a natural gossip. If they told him the entire east wing of the hospital would be chatting about the Shepherd-Grey baby by lunchtime. And Meredith wasn't ready for everyone to know. Not until the first trimester was over.

"Do you want to..." she pressed her hand to his chest. "We could go outside for a couple minutes. Bailey doesn't expect me for rounds until 8:00."

He nodded eagerly and shifted his hand into hers. Meredith relished the way their fingers meshed, she always had. Mark could be heard asking what the deal was with Shep and Big Grey. Meredith knew Cristina would handle the situation though.

The warmth of July in Seattle greets her alabaster skin when the sliding doors whoosh. It's a beautiful day, rare for the rainy city. Derek takes her out to their favorite green bench and keeps their hands entwined. "What's up?" She asks softly, leaning over to kiss him. He tastes like dark roasted espresso. She really freaking misses her coffee.

"First, I wanted to ask if you were okay."

Her brows scrunch. "Of course, why?"

Derek chuckled quietly. "Well after your breakdown this morning I wasn't quite sure."

Meredith blushed. That morning had been... not good. Actually, terrible in the Meredith Grey chronicles. This was the one thing that was starting to bug her about carrying a child. Drawing back to the feral train of emotions, she imploded on him earlier that morning over something completely fixable. Her socks were missing or one sock was missing. Already, Meredith had been in a hurry to get out the house. She was nauseous, fatigued, and couldn't find her favorite white sock anywhere. Their laundry room fell victim to her tornado as well as their dresser. When Derek suggested she wear another pair or mismatched socks the result had been anything but pretty.

"I'm sorry I hit you." Meredith pouted, stroking the shoulder blade her fist collided with earlier.

Derek seemed unfazed though and she felt relief swish through when he grinned. "You're carrying our baby. Hit me if you need to or yell I can take it. I grew up with four sisters and three of them have been pregnant before. I kind of know what I'm getting myself into."

"But I shouldn't have gotten all violent. I mean it was a sock, Derek." Meredith laughed.

"Mer, your tiny ineffectual fists don't do much at all."

Meredith formed a frown. What the hell was that supposed to mean? "Are you saying I'm weak?" She quickly dislodged her fingers from his and securely slipped them into a fold over her chest.

Derek seemed dumbfounded by her question. Every bit of euphoria stroking his expression was now displaced by confusion. "I... no. Of course not, Meredith. It was just a joke."

When he reached to touch her elbow, Meredith flinched. "Clearly you think I can't defend myself." She groaned.

"That's not what I meant I was just making a joke. Did you want me to tell you that it hurt when you slapped my arm earlier?"

Tears welled in her vibrant green eyes. Her vision blurred and all that she could muster was a dark haired blob before her. "You're saying I hurt you?" She sniffled.

Derek looked defeated. This is what the hormones did to her. One minute she was giggling with her husband the next she was sobbing a river. Meredith didn't cry often and when she did it had to be something intense to send her over that edge. Except being pregnant meant tears came at any time they wanted.

Now was one of those absurd moments their baby made her such a mess. "You didn't hurt me but you aren't weak either." He finally breathed although it didn't help calm her tears.

"Yes it did." She hiccuped. "I hurt you!"

Derek pressed his fingers into her vertebrae. His calloused fingers massaging her tendons and muscles like magic. The motions began to soothe her. "No you didn't. I swear you didn't hurt me."

"I hate being pregnant." Meredith grumbled with her face smashed against her palms.

"Oh, Mer, stop it." Derek whispered against her ear.

She wiped her eyes. "I didn't mean it like that. I like that we're having a baby and it's an excuse to eat whatever I want but... it makes me so fucking hormonal. You more than anyone knows I would never cry this much! I'm having a breakdown about possibly hurting you when I sucker slapped your shoulder this morning. Not pregnant Meredith would be laughing at how stupid I look."

This was so unlike any way she normally behaved. Was this a preview of what the rest of pregnancy was going to be? Her husband walking on eggshells around her as she slogged through another crying attack? God, she hoped not.

Meredith glanced at her watch. Rounds were starting and Bailey would put her on scut if she was late which would only strengthen her sour mood. She huffed slowly. "I have to go." Blurting that before Derek could offer some form of comfort.

"Hey, I'll talk to Bailey if you want to sit here and cool down a little." He chimed but his assertion only annoyed her.

"Oh what would you tell her? Meredith's pregnant and has gone mental outside, she needs a few minutes."

Derek sank against the green metal bench they were resting on. His hand reached for her knee and he squeezed. "I just want you to be alright is all."

"You're hovering." Meredith corrected. "You're mommy tracking me already and I'm not even showing yet. Besides I don't want to tell her. Not until after the ultrasound and the second trimester starts." She wasn't seeking special treatment. A pleather of residents and interns had been pregnant before her and none of them requested a couple of minutes to keep their composure. In the world of medicine, anything could happen in an instant. Her jumbled hormones weren't an excuse to pause because surgery never stopped. Life didn't take a break and Meredith didn't feel deserving of one either. Being Meredith Grey should mean nothing, even if she is knocked up by the head of neurosurgery.

"I get to worry, I'm your husband. I know you're not used to being asked how you're doing or having people check in on you but this is what marriage is. You're pregnant and I get to be a helicopter because of that."

His pager rings and saves him from getting an earful from Meredith. "Crap, I have to go." He sounded agitated and it only made Meredith feel worse. Derek gave no details about what patient he was working with and failed to ask her to scrub in like he promised a couple days back. Not that she expected him to and quite frankly she was still pissed that he felt this urgency to coddle her like an invalid.

Derek zipped away and Meredith was plagued with the task of heading back in. For the first time in a long time work was the last thing she wanted to be doing right now. It sucked because not only was she an emotional wreck but no one could know why. The nurses were probably already starting a gossip ring about her little argument with Derek by the front entrance. There was no privacy in this place. Someone was bound to catch you and flock that secret around until everyone was swarming on it.

"Grey, you're late." Bailey scolded. She was on her service today and by the looks of it she was less than pleased.

"I..." Meredith couldn't think of an excuse. The only one she had was the one thing she wasn't allowed to talk about or wanted to for that matter. "I'm sorry."

"You are a fourth year, I expect more from you." She announced harsh. Bailey grappled for the chart and motioned that Meredith follow her attending. She watched as Bailey gave her a glance over quickly. "I used to get emotional over charts. One misspelled word or any kind of chicken scratch on a damn chart would send me over the edge."

Meredith wiped her eyes. "I'm sorry?"

"Zofran is good to keep you from vomiting although it never helped me with the nausea." She continued.

"Okay, I'm not sure what you're implying but-"

"Oh cut the crap, Grey. I know."

Meredith halted in her tracks and furrowed her brow. "You know?"

Bailey swiveled around and relinquished a heavier sigh. "I _know_." Her colleague whispered.

Instinctively Meredith's hands went to her belly. Still no pouch or poof or pudge since the last she placed her hands there. She was dumbstruck. How did Bailey know about the pregnancy? "I-I don't understand." She divulged.

"Grey, don't kid yourself. I am Dr. Bailey and I know everything. Besides you've been a dead giveaway for weeks now. You come into rounds red eyed and pale. I watch the way you excuse yourself to the restroom to pee or puke every so often. You're always snacking. I knew you liked food but I swear almost every time I've seen you, you're munching on peanut M&M's like they're your life vest."

"Derek and I... we were..." She stuttered.

Bailey reached forward to stroke her forearm, sympathy sinking over her features. "I know you were and I'm not going to say anything. But you don't have to pretend in front of me."

"I can't believe you figured it out." Meredith mumbled softly.

Bailey chuckled. "I've been pregnant I know the signs. And besides any of that you just seemed different. Lighter, not so... dark. Softer. You really do have that glow, Grey." She smiled.

Meredith's lip quivered an attempt to grin. She folded her arms over her chest. "I'm not soft." She smirked. "I'm hardcore, not softcore."

"Stop turning this conversation into something nasty, Dr. Grey, sounds like we're talking about damn porn. And you know what I mean."

"Okay sorry, stopping." She huffed. "Do you promise to keep this a secret maybe? At least until Derek and I decide to tell people?"

Her attending nodded and shot her a sly grin. "I won't tell a soul. And if you're having any... trouble before rounds just let me know privately, we'll work out something."

Meredith was grateful her shorter although somewhat terrifying superior had her back on this. A lot of people she feels may frown upon the notion of being pregnant during a residency, especially a fourth year, someone just beginning to prepare for their boards and enter in the race to be chief resident. This wasn't planned by a long shot but she's ecstatic it's happening. Even if the thought of being a mother is still slightly terrifying.

"Thank you so much." Meredith kept her voice low in an attempt to drown out her appreciation to Bailey from lurking nurses. "But I really don't want special treatment. I know when you were pregnant with Tuck you didn't either." She added.

"Meredith," Bailey sighed. Rarely did the woman use her first name when addressing Meredith. The gesture took her by surprise. "I was a fool trying to work long hours with no help whatsoever. Sometimes you need someone in your corner to give you a break. I can assure you that baby is gonna make you wish you had a break. Enjoy a little assistance."

Bailey continued her stride down the corridor and Meredith followed akin to a lost puppy. "What's the case?" She questioned.

"Appendectomy." Her attending groaned.

"An appy?" Meredith frowned. "That's incredibly basic."

"Well, Dr. Grey not many patients want to be admitted to the scary hospital where a gunman came in and shot up half of the staff. An appy is a _good _case if we're being honest with ourselves."

She twiddled her thumbs. "Do I at least get to scrub in?" Meredith beamed optimistically.

"Has Dr. Perkins cleared you for surgery yet?" Bailey asked.

Meredith's stomach turned to knots. No, he hadn't. In fact, she felt like she was the only surgeon left in this hospital who wasn't cleared to perform procedures. She had tried almost anything and everything to get him to sign off and he wouldn't. It was crap, literal crap! That damn therapist signed Derek off before herself and he had been the one to get shot. Even Alex was doing surgery and he was waltzing the hospital halls showcasing the bullet poking from underneath his skin.

She was cognizant she wasn't crazy or some kind of lunatic. She was stable. Well, as stable as a pregnant woman could be. "Well no-"

"Then you aren't scrubbing in until he does." She interrupted.

"Then what good am I on your case then?"

"You are still a resident, Grey. You have a lot to learn. You're here to learn this case and prep the patient. If I had it my way you would get to scrub in but I don't so you aren't." Bailey said.

Meredith had to keep from rolling her eyes or breaking down into tears. "Do not make me cry." Meredith hissed at her flat belly.

"Have something to add, Dr. Grey?" She piqued.

Shaking her head, Meredith responded, "No, I don't." She inhaled slow to calm herself. The no surgery torture would cease its torture soon enough. In the mean time it gave her allotted time to take some of those breaks Bailey had been talking about. Maybe she could even get an appointment in with the obstetrician to see her baby. Derek could come too. She wanted him there even if she was still slightly upset about the sour note they left on when he dashed away earlier.

* * *

Meredith really had to pee. Her leg was bouncing like a baby in its favorite chair. Nonetheless, her bladder was full. With her brain pushing and insisting she head off to the restroom, she couldn't. Not now because she was sitting in an uncomfortable plastic chair just outside the OBGYN's office waiting to be called back.

Succumbing to an abundance of time after prepping her appy patient meant she could make an appointment to finally see her baby. Meredith shot Derek a text, unsure if he was in surgery. She never got a text back and that twirled her insides indefinitely. To pass the few hours in between her call time and to help fluctuate her budding nerves Meredith researched ultrasounds in the medical library.

Apparently a full bladder would give her best results for an ultrasound. Albeit she felt near regretful slurping down that Diet Coke and two bottles of water because she was curling her toes and squeezing her thighs to keep from making the lounge her personal toilet. She could just relieve herself and end the torture but the insane _mommy _side of her was insistent a brimmed bladder would be best.

Beads of perspiration dotted her hairline. Her palms were slick and she continuously wiped them over the fabric eclipsing her thighs. Meredith felt uneasy and she hated to admit it. She was Meredith Grey, terrible things naturally happened to her. She didn't want that for her baby. Her child wasn't deserving of all her dark and twisty nature. The universe delighted in making her life a living hell sometimes and she was worried this first ultrasound might fall victim to it too. What if something was wrong with the baby? Or there were _two _babies? She was a doctor who knew of possible defects. She worked dozens of cases with Addison a couple years ago and with Arizona Robbins in Pediatrics. Bad things happened to tiny humans all the time.

Now her heart was racing. She hadn't been fearful until her subconscious put her on a one way train to Worry Town. "I feel sick." She mumbled to nobody but herself and maybe the baby who was causing all her nausea.

"Oh thank god, you're still here." Meredith turned her head to see Derek, panting, red faced, and his brow coated in sweat. His hair was mussed, likely the result of a scrub cap lying against his locks for hours on end.

"Hey." Meredith murmured in an uncharacteristically small voice. "You came."

He sighed softly and groaned when he sat next to her. "Of course I came. I'm sorry I never answered your text. I was in surgery and my patient kept coding. I saw it when I finished and ran all the way from the west wing here." A sly smile curved on his thinner lips. There was hint of glimmering joy flashing beyond his very blue eyes and it calmed her erratic heart.

"I thought you were being broody or something since we had that fight earlier." She sighed.

She watched her husband stifle a laugh. "Meredith, that wasn't a fight. You were annoyed I was hovering and I was going to tell you I could back off but then my pager buzzed." He reached to brush blonde hair from her peripheral vision.

"But I went all crazy psycho wife on you before that." She said.

"Don't take this the wrong way, Mer but your hormones are kinda all over the place right now. That wasn't you having a meltdown on me it was the baby. I'm not going to grow a beard and go hide out in the woods anymore. You're carrying my baby and I'm grateful for that. Bark and scream at me all you want."

She leaned her head down on his shoulder in relief. His words hadn't angered her or made her want to sob an ocean this time and she found herself grateful. The idea of going into that appointment by herself had been a heavy trauma on her mind. But now Derek was here and he was happy. He didn't care about her stupid hormones.

"How's your patient?" She asked quietly. When his body tensed she knew exactly how the surgery had gone. "Oh, Derek."

"Pretty crappy 'Welcome Back' surgery huh?" He laughed coldly. She understood how hard it was on him to lose a patient. Especially if it was one he grew fond of or created a bond with.

Now it was her turn to provide him a sheen of comfort. She strummed her fingers over his chest. Her tips smoothed over the beginnings of his surgical scar. For the most part his chest hair covered his wound. It was pink still but healing marvelously.

"Guess we've both had crappy days." She murmured and planted a kiss at the crook of his neck.

"Still no surgery?" He frowned.

"No surgery." Meredith sighed, unhappy. Even her own fingers were beginning to tremble with desires of cutting. "And Bailey is mommy tracking me too. Plus I'm pretty sure our kid is gonna have three heads or something."

Derek turned to glance at her. "You told Bailey?" He asked.

She shook her head and relinquished a heavier sigh. "No. Apparently Bailey is a human pregnancy test or something."

"My mom is one of those." Derek chortled.

"What?"

"She knows when all my sisters are pregnant before they know. It's like a gift." He said.

"Do you think your mom would know if our baby is defected?" She implored.

Her husband's smile faded at the assertion. "Oh Meredith, stop it."

"Crappy things happen to us, Derek. Especially me. Crappy stuff happens to me and I'm the one who's carrying the baby around for nine months. I wouldn't be shocked if my bad karma was passed down to our baby." She had fears and they would probably forever be prominent. She wanted this baby so much but her crap genes could potentially ruin it all for her.

"Seriously, stop. Nothing is going to happen to our baby. You aren't defected and neither is the baby." He argued.

Meredith shook her head. "You don't know that Derek."

He reached to cup her cheek, her body shivering at the sudden contact. His eyes brimmed by heavy emotion. "I know that if we made it together, it's perfect. And if by chance something is wrong with our child we are going to fight it just like we always do. So let's just go in there and keep our heads held high."

She desired to protest except a smiling nurse called for Meredith to head back. They weighed her, questioned her diet that she may or may not have fibbed slightly about, and took her temperature.

"You can change into this gown really quick and Dr. Jennings will be with you shortly." The pudgy woman shot Meredith a cheeky grin. It was the type of smile that made her retinas burn. How could a single human being store so much _joy_?

Meredith began to strip off her scrubs. "Is that how everyone is in obstetricians? Bubbly and smiley?" Her converse landed with a thud on the ground. The periwinkle scrubs concocted a a growing pile next to them.

"How would I know?" Derek laughed.

Meredith pulled herself back up on the exam table. "You were married to one for eleven years."

"Oh, well maybe I don't know. I didn't regularly come to work with Addison everyday and mingle with her staff." He said.

She rolled her eyes although didn't offer a reply. Her legs swung like swings on a set in an attempt to slacken her riveting heartbeat. She was nervous. No doubt about it. Not to mention her bladder was still incredibly full and she still had to pee really freaking bad. She watched while Derek bent over to collect her clothes and neatly fold them. _Typical _she thought. He was a neat freak and she was somewhat of a tornado.

"Hello." A serene voice filled the vicinity. "I'm Dr. Jennings." Meredith couldn't help but gulp. Her OBGYN was practically another Addison Montgomery except her tendrils were brown not red. She was leggy and fabulous just as Addison had been.

"Hi." Meredith managed to spit, reaching her hand out for a handshake. Dr. Jennings firmly shook with Meredith as well as Derek, that perky smile never once leaving her rosy cheeks.

"The infamous Dr. Grey and Dr. Shepherd, I was wondering when I'd have the pleasure to have you in my realm." She convulsed, moving to the sink to wash her hands.

"Infamous?" Meredith mumbled. Her flesh was burning at the assertion.

"Well you two are practically living legends around this hospital. Just because you're surgeons doesn't mean your great love story hasn't travelled." Their doctor winks whilst drying her smooth skin with a paper towel.

Meredith finds herself to be curious if Dr. Jennings knows Addison and if she's ever spilled gossip on she and her ex-husband. "Oh, um..."

"Well, let's jump right into it." Jennings seemed to ignore Meredith's awkward response and she found herself grateful. "Meredith, is it okay if I refer to you as Meredith?" She asked.

Meredith nodded. "Good," the sound of latex gloves slapping against skin pricked Meredith's ears. "Well then, Meredith I'm going to have you lie back for me. I'm sure Nurse Amanda told you but I'm just checking to make sure everything's off from the waist down?" She nodded again. "Great. Since you're still in your first trimester we'll be performing the ultrasound transvaginally today." Jennings adjusted her gloves and took a seat at the rolling stool.

Drops of sweat rolled down her back. Her skin was sticking to the paper covering the exam table. Her heart thumped like a heavy drumbeat as she shifted to pick up her feet. Derek was there, standing beside her, sending off a reassuring smile. Somewhere through the fog she found Derek's hand. Meredith adjusted her legs and feet in the stirrups.

The situation was a little awkward. Usually in the event a woman was examining her lady parts, Derek wasn't there. She felt slightly over exposed and her husband seemed to sense her discomfort when he leaned down to kiss her temple and brush back her bangs. "You're going to be fine." Derek whispered to her ear.

"Alright, this shouldn't hurt at all. There's a bit of lubricant on the probe so it may be slightly cold at first. Just relax for me." Her physician gently inserted the wand.

Derek's digits trickled over her thigh. The gesture wasn't sexual but an attempt to bring her solace. She squeezed his other hand wrapped in her own. This was a moment so many women looked forward to. This was supposed to be moment in time permeated by complete euphoria. Except all Meredith could process was terror. Raw and real terror that her crappy genes already fucked up their baby.

"Ah, here we go." Jennings whispered.

"Oh wow." Derek breathed, his breath hitched. Meredith felt nauseous. Never could something good ever be handed to her. The universe had a grudge against her and now it was taking its bad karma out on their baby.

Her lip quivered and the beginnings of tears crescendoed at her waterline. "What's wrong with it? I screwed the baby up didn't I?" She trembled, fat tears starting to leak.

"Oh, no. Meredith look." His finger curled under her chin to guide her head toward the monitor. "Just look at the screen."

She was met with the imagery of a tiny white blob that somewhat resembled the shape of a little human. The figure wiggled. "Everything looks fantastic thus far." Jennings cooed sweetly. "The fetus is healthy, a single embryo." She informed them with a grin.

"Judging by your hCG levels I'd say you're around ten weeks. Your baby is just starting to grow fingers and toes and measures right around 2.7 centimeters." She continued. "Congratulations you two."

Meredith's vision went blurry almost immediately. The tears she accumulated earlier were now those of unbridled giddiness. There was a tiny little human floating inside her body that was currently learning to grow toes and fingers. How freaking cool was that? Their child was barely more than a little grainy blob to the naked eye but it was a perfect grainy blob nonetheless.

"Heartbeat is around 160 beats per minute. I'd say by your next appointment we'll be able to get a good listen."

"Der," Meredith husked. "That's our baby." Tears streamed down her cheeks.

"I know, Mer." She watched her husband brush the wetness from his optics. "Our _perfect _baby."

"I-It's so tiny! Derek don't you see?"

He chuckled through joyful tears. "I see, Mer." His hand left her thigh and repositioned to her forehead where he brushed the hair from her forehead.

For what felt like the first time in her life, something had gone the way she wanted it to. Her child wasn't growing two heads or a tail.

Just as her husband said, it was absolutely _perfect_.

"I'm assuming you guys want a couple sonogram pictures?" She and Derek nodded eagerly as their emotional spill came to an end.

"Great, let me get those for you. Before I go I do want to let you know I'll be prescribing you some prenatal vitamins to take regularly. Also, in your chart I read you've been experiencing some nausea and a little morning sickness." Dr. Jennings assessed.

Meredith snorted as she sat up. "A little?"

"The term is a sort of redundant I'm aware. I can prescribe you some Zofran to ease some of the vomiting but your nausea may still be present." She said.

Meredith looked to Derek. "Would it be safe for the baby?"

"There's risk for any medication you're taking while pregnant although those risks are incredibly minimal. I don't think you have anything to worry about."

"Could I think about it?" She implored. "I mean just to see if it gets any worse? I know it's supposed to ease up when I hit the second trimester." She felt Derek's thumb stroke the skin of her hand.

"Of course. Stop by any time if you change your mind." Jennings removed her gloves and shucked them to the trash. "I'm going to write that vitamin prescription for you and then I'll get those pictures. You can go ahead and redress as well." Her obstetrician quietly escaped.

Meredith moved to the edge of the table where her knees met Derek's hips. She brought her palms to his shoulders and she squeezed his skin and scrub top. "We're really having a baby." Meredith addressed.

It was all really setting in now. For the last five weeks she had known of the baby, never had it felt so evident. Actually seeing her baby wriggling on the monitor had put everything into perspective. In less than seven months she was going to be a mom. She would become responsible for another human beings life and that was pretty epic.

His nose slid up and down her forehead slowly. "Hmmm, we are."

"Our baby isn't defective." She added.

"Nope." He confirmed with a slight smile.

"We made a human, Derek. That's kind of insane."

His fingers brushed her stomach. "A tiny human." He whispered.

"Thank god that's over I **really **have to pee." She blurted.

Her husband began to laugh. "Oh, Mer."

She shrugged her shoulders as she started to take off her gown. "I do! My bladder feels like it's going to explode. Do you even realize how hard it was not pee on her when she was poking at my lady parts with a magic baby wand?!"

"I-" Derek started although his statement fizzled. "I honestly don't know what that feels like." He answered.

Meredith simply giggled. "Sorry I know TMI and all." She said while shimmying into her pants. She glanced at her husband who was currently looking at her naked breasts like a lion in search of its next meal. "Can I help you with something Dr. Shepherd." She purred, smirking.

"I am really liking the pregnant boobs." He smirked.

Meredith shook her head while clipping her bra into place. "I'm sure you are."

"Well why don't I let you pee and then let's get out of here. I'll make you some of that pasta you like so much." He sighed and helped push the remainder of her golden hair stuck inside her scrub top.

She moaned in content. "Mmm, the baby and I are really craving some pasta."

"When aren't you craving pasta?" He asks, wrapping his arm around her shoulders.

"Shut up!" Meredith rolled her eyes as they walked out of the exam room.

* * *

**Well we've made it to the end of the chapter. I have tried finishing this chapter all day long and every minute something would come along to distract me but we got here! **

**I don't have much to say other than I hope you enjoyed this chapter and I would be so appreciative if you left a review with your thoughts. I felt it would be funny to dive into a little bit regarding Meredith and crazy hormones. **

**Thank you so much for reading guys! **


	3. Chapter 3 Surgery Junkie

_**As a a warning, there are mentions of sexual content below. It is barely anything but I felt the need to be informative of the slightly M rating. Please enjoy the following chapter!**_

* * *

_Chapter three | Surgery Junkie_

"Stop it!" Meredith narrowed her eyes to slits. She was annoyed. _Beyond _annoyed. She had been overly frustrated before her husband stuck his head through the threshold of their bedroom and his presence had only made things worse. She doesn't think her feral hormones have much to do with her anger now because she's beginning to believe non-pregnant would be just as agitated.

Her boobs were enormous. Which in many women's cases wouldn't be a problem. Except her breasts were heavy and big and with the combination of hormones and sheer annoyance, Meredith didn't consider herself someone excited about this fact.

To make matters worse, Derek stood adjacent from her half nude frame with a prompt smirk stretched firm over his face. He was supposed to be consoling her. Doing the husband thing or whatever. Instead Derek was encouraging the growth in her bosom. In fact, he was making _porny _jokes about her new size and it only irritated Meredith further.

On a normal day, she wants to think maybe this wouldn't bother her so much. She might even be contemplating the dirty new things they could be exploring with her new breasts. Except things weren't normal. Not fine or good or okay. They were **crap**. Really freaking crappy.

Well, for Meredith at least.

In truth Meredith was taking her anger out on the pregnant boobs. She still wasn't cutting. It seemed like every single person involved with the shooting had been cleared to save lives but Meredith herself. And that was incredibly frustrating for her. Surgery was a great chunk of her livelihood. It felt as if Dr. Perkins was holding that want over her head and every time she jumped to grasp it, he held it higher.

So many times in the last two weeks since Derek had been back he requested she scrub in with him, only to remember she still wasn't on surgeon duty. One time she got so close to a scalpel, she physically made it into the OR. Dr. Perkins found her of course and requested she leave.

It was ridiculous. It felt like he knew about she asking Gary Clark to shoot her and was merely waiting until she fessed up. Meredith found that to be her own personal business though. Not even Derek was cognizant about it. What right did he have to poke and pry about something like that when _clearly _she was doing just fine.

"Stop what?" Her husband countered and cocked his raven head to the left. A sneaky smile quivered at his cheeks. He failed to keep his expression one of poker. With Derek's arms enveloped over his chest, he filed further into their bedroom.

Meredith only scowled. "Oh you know what." She prompted. "I'm seriously not in the mood for you to be making porny jokes about my giant boobs, Derek." Her eyes rolled.

"I thought pregnancy was supposed to make you want sex not deny it." Derek inclined.

"Not when my fucking breasts are the size of cantaloupes! Derek, what the hell am I going to do?"

His brow scrunched. Of course, he was a man. All men, even Derek, were unable to relate in a situation such as this. Men only saw boobs as perky lumps of joy they get to touch and play with. Men didn't understand that in reality, having boobs wasn't all that fun. Especially when you're pregnant and they grow two times the size they were.

"I don't... Meredith, you're pregnant." He finally sighed. "I'm not a woman but your breasts grow with pregnancy. All my sisters did." Meredith lifted her brow. "Not that I was looking at their boobs! I um, they told me that, I-I listened to them complain for months. Bottom line, your boobs swell. It's no big deal."

Meredith turned from his eyeful watch and flopped helplessly back to their bed. The mattress bounced underneath her spine and the blankets ruffled. She lie in a pair of dark jeans with nothing eclipsing her top half. Her breasts were heavy on her chest. She sighed, annoyed.

The bed shifted next to her. She spotted thick, raven hair through the corner of her left eye. A hand shifted to her belly. "This isn't about your boobs, is it?" Derek stated.

Meredith's head shook. "No." She turned to look at him. "It's not about my boobs. Well, maybe a little but not all that much."

A pair of ocean orbs stared back at her and suddenly the tension coiling in her shoulders went lax. "Surgery?" He guessed with a quirked brow.

It didn't take a rocket scientist to figure out she was desperately missing the operating room. Cutting into people was her livelihood. What good was her career if she couldn't save lives. Trolling the pit just to stitch up cuts and bandage bleeding arms wasn't enough for her. She missed her job and the agony was finally starting to settle in.

"Do you realize how sucky it is to have been out of the OR for a month and a half?" Meredith asked while shifting to her side. Derek's hand flopped at her waist and she moved her palm to rest overtop.

"You do realize I was out of work for a month, right?"

Meredith rolled her eyes. "That doesn't count. You were seriously injured or whatever. Plus, half of that time doesn't matter because you were drugged out of your mind on pain meds."

"I wasn't that fucked up." Derek retorted.

Meredith felt differently as she giggled lightly. "Derek, you could barely hold your hand up. I had to feed you soup that one time."

Her husband's face paled in color. "I-I don't remember that."

"Exactly."

She redirected her attention to the ceiling fan. It was twirling in rhythmic motion, laving a chilly breeze over her bare upper half. "I think Perkins thinks I'm a lunatic. What does he want from me? To cry? Have an emotional breakdown? Seems to me that's the only way he's letting anyone back into the OR."

Meredith just wasn't an emotional girl. She was built for disaster and had nearly trained herself to prepare for the worst. So what if this situation hadn't sent her into crazy mode? Wasn't that supposed to be a good thing? "It's almost like he knows I'm pregnant and is waiting for me to say it." She added. "I don't want to tell anyone until the second trimester starts next week."

Faintly, she felt Derek's digits curl between her own. His larger hand firm as he squeezed her smaller palm. Her head switched back to lie a gaze on him instead of their dusty ceiling fan. "Do you want me to talk to him? Maybe I can get something done."

She shook her head. "I don't think it would help. He clearly thinks I'm delusional."

"You are not delusional." Derek sighed.

"Am too, according to him." She rebuked.

"Are not."

Am too!"

"No you aren't." Derek nearly growled, switching to his side. "You aren't crazy or a going mental. You're Meredith. You're pregnant and you shouldn't feel forced to tell people about it until you're ready. I will gladly go to Richard or the board if that's what it takes. I know your competency and you're completely fine in my eyes."

A tinge of guilt spread through her frame. Yes, she was sane and fine. But Derek didn't know the entire story of what happened when he had been out cold on the operating table. He couldn't vouch for that issue and would likely go insane if she told him the whole story.

"It's fine. I shouldn't be exerting myself in the OR anyways. I'll sit on the gurneys in the tunnels and read trashy romance novels to pass my time." Meredith teased, leaning over to kiss him delicately. "Now, back to the main issue at hand. What are we going to do about my boob problem?"

Derek's hand drifted from her waist to the valley between her enlarged breasts. His fingers curled inwardly around a swollen mound. Like magic, his thumb and forefinger plucked and toyed at her larger nipple. Meredith husked a breathless gasp while he played with her ripe berry. "This isn't helping." She sneered and her chest flushed.

He rolled on top. One hand fumbling with her chest and the other sloppily moving down her belly to unsnap her jeans. "Helping me..." his mouth, lips, and tongue dipped low into the crease under her jaw.

Her brain turned to mush. It was as though everything griping at her was suddenly never an issue because the only notion on her mind was getting into her sexy husband's pants. Pregnancy hormones were so strange in that sense. One minute she was grumbling over no surgeries and now she was panting hot for him. The latter had seemed to be a plus albeit. Meredith wasn't one to go against dirty sex with her perfect haired partner.

GA

The gallery was an icy oasis and it made Meredith wish she has brought a sweater before venturing up there. She was in solitude besides an intern she wasn't so familiar with. Derek was mid surgery, he was operating on a glioblastoma and Alex was assisting. God, she envied him so damn bad. She would possibly even go as far as selling her soul just to get grip a retractor between her fingers. She missed the feeling of the cold steel wrapped around her digits. A month and a half was just too long and overbearing. This helped nothing. In fact she felt a little crazier than right after Derek was shot.

The gallery was as close to operating as she would get for now. Meredith was doing all that she could to focus on the positive side of things rather than the negative. Lack of surgery freed up some time for her but being such a surgery junkie came with the price of having very limited hobbies.

She could try knitting again although it was more for celibacy and even then her plan went down the toilet when Derek ripped off her panties and screwed her in that exam room. Her cheeks began to circulate blood at the memory. She had always wanted to dabble in culinary except the last time Meredith stepped into a kitchen she caught the toaster on fire.

The more Meredith thought of it, the more she realized her only talent and skill might just be surgery. Her belly flipped at the idea. Being her mother was the last thing on her agenda by a long shot. Ellis only ever focused on her work and Meredith wouldn't allow herself to end up that way. Her unborn baby deserved more than an absent, surgery junkie mom.

So she was in search of a hobby. She toyed with the idea of asking Derek for advice when he finished surgery. Albeit, a part of her assumed it might just lead to sex. Lately when she brought up her no surgery crisis, Derek quieted her complaints with his tongue and plump fingers and gorgeous penis. All three at the same time if he was feeling generous. While she adored the sexual attention, there were moments she wondered if he just didn't want to listen to her complaints and instead shut her up with sultry favors.

She shook her head of the ideas and settled into the plastic seat as best as possible. Being pregnant somehow meant it was more difficult to find comfort in places she used to have no problem with. She remembered being an intern, exhilarated and beaming with adrenaline, practically glued to these chairs in the gallery. Just watching a surgery gave her a tingle like no other.

Except now, Meredith found it difficult to stay put much longer when her lower back was quietly requesting she get up.

Relief poured down her spine when she watched her husband make the finishing cut. Even from the gallery Meredith could spot the crinkles around his eyes suggesting the surgery went wonderfully and his patient was well on their way to a full recovery. She had picked up on the idea Derek went from zero to one-hundred rapidly. If a patient wasn't so lucky, he got broody or on edge. His temper spiked. Little things annoyed him.

Meredith wasn't fearful of his darker side. She herself got a little dark and twisty at times and he stood by her. Derek was a human being just like anyone else. He had good days and bad ones too. It irked her a little when people suggested flaws were unacceptable to her husband. He, just as anyone else, was imperfect. Maybe he wasn't chanting and parading that notion around town but he had them and that was... that was okay. She too was crowded with imperfections.

Derek's frame twisted and he seemed to notice Meredith perched in the gallery. He waved, smiled beneath his mask, and blew her a teasing kiss. Her cheeks found heat at his admission but she followed along and blew one back.

"Meet me at the gurney's in the basement." She said through the intercom. Derek nodded and retreated to the scrub room.

The basement was typically a hangout for she and her friends. But she wanted to be with Derek in a place that wasn't a clustered cafeteria or dingy on-call room. They could eat lunch maybe and just... talk. Talking was good and she needed to rant big time.

A smile sputtered on her lips at the appearance of Derek. He was holding a salad in one hand a sandwich in the other. "I brought you lunch. Today's special was clam chowder and I figured," he grunted quietly when positioning himself to the gurney next to her. "You and _Baby _would rather eat something more edible." He shucked the ham and cheese delicacy to her lap. Derek leant over to kiss her temple before shifting back to his own food.

"You really are my knight in shining whatever." She grinned.

"Who else is going to look out for you?" He asked.

Meredith shrugged. "Cristina, Lexie. Izzie used to look out for me before she decided to be a total bitch and leave." There were times she found herself still reeling from her friend's departure. Izzie leaving had been a shock, a brutal one. Things had been tough between she and Alex but that gave her no damn right to leave everyone else who cared about her behind.

But Meredith tried not to be so shocked by it. Everyone left her.

"You know it was more of a rhetorical question, Mer. I didn't need you reciting a whole list."

Meredith rolled her eyes. "Did I bruise your manly ego?"

"Me ego is just fine." Derek sighed.

A comfortable silence followed. With the exception of Meredith munching on her sandwich was surprisingly divine. She had been famished and just as though her husband held telekinetic powers he knew to bring her food. Maybe that's why Meredith kept Derek around, he fed her.

"Mmm, thanks for feeding me." She retorted with a mouth brimmed by sandwich.

Derek's lips went tight. "What am I going to do with you?" He breathed and just barely stifling a laugh.

He reached forward to wipe what she assumes was mustard from her lip. They truly are opposites but fit so well together. He's clean and she's messy. He's an early bird and she's a night owl. He's healthy and she eats junk. But by some stroke of luck they just fit. They always have. It makes her wonder what the little embryo in her belly will be like. Possibly a combination of those traits? Or will their future baby sway one way over another?

"You love me." She countered.

"I do." And her husband grinned.

"You realize if your love was enough I would be in a really great surgery right now." Meredith added.

Derek frowned slightly, an all too familiar crease forming beyond his brows. She felt stupid continuously bickering about the no surgery shtick but it was like something in her body wouldn't allow her to stop the turmoil.

"Meredith, if I could help you out I would. I offered to go to the board to get you back in the OR but you declined it."

She shook her head. "No, I- no. I don't want you to do anything I'm just ranting a little. I'm slightly stir crazy right now. I'm a surgery junkie, Der. I've spent the last four years in a hospital non-stop. I haven't had the time to acquire different interests or hobby's because this hospital has owned me forever. It's easy to assume I'm having surgery withdrawals and I'll get over it eventually but right now, I just want to rant to my husband about it." She felt her face heat. Biting at her tongue, Meredith realized there was an increasing chance she may cry. The hormones made her weak and vulnerable.

She squinted her eyes. The random spurts of tears was the one thing she wasn't exuberant about regarding the pregnancy. Forcing the salty waterworks to remain at her waterline, she gulped back the lump accumulating in her throat. "Crap, I hate crying!" Her voice boomed.

Derek's expression was sympathetic to her situation. To the lapse in surgery and her hormonal outbursts. Meredith glanced at him, understanding it was not only herself undergoing these new changes, but Derek too.

Maybe her husband was back to saving lives as before but things in his life were shifting and migrating. He had been the one to receive a bullet to his chest. Perhaps it wasn't his belly housing their child but Derek was new to impending parenthood as well. Things would be different for him too.

Meredith realized it was adamant he was concealing his worries, emotions, and concerns to comfort _her_. Derek's palm smoothed the crinkles in her baby blue scrubs with gentle motions. She could feel his dense surgeon fingers kneading against her deltoids.

"I'm sorry." She whispered in a quiet voice.

"You don't have to be sorry." He said.

Shaking her head, Meredith grabbed his free hand. "No I am. Derek, I'm a mess. I rant and complain about anything and everything. It's not your fault I can't do what I love or that your baby makes me a rainbow of emotion."

"Oh, so it's _my _baby now?" Derek's irises twinkled.

"It's _your_ baby when it's making me crazy." They relinquished a joint laugh. Sometimes, Meredith swore Derek could read her mind. It was almost like he knew her thoughts and what she was thinking all the time. One of the many reasons they meshed so perfectly together.

Silence surrounded their frames. A comfortable one at the least. "But I am sorry. I've been whining so much and you've been so gracious with me. I haven't even asked you how you're doing."

His lips twitched with the beginnings of sly smile. Meredith adored his grin. "I'm okay." He breathed.

"At least you didn't say fine like I would have." She giggled.

He joined in on the fit of the laughter with a low set of chuckles. "Whenever you say you're fine I immediately know that you aren't." He smirked.

"Oh shut up!" She gasped and playfully nudged his shoulder.

"I really am okay, though. I mean things are slightly more hectic and completely different than they were two months ago. But I'll get through it. **We **will get through it."

She admired his optimism. Meredith had always been a realist or maybe a pessimist and couldn't admit it. Hope and happy endings were for suckers. Except when it was her husband being the hopeful one, a part of her couldn't help but want to be hopeful with him.

"If you ever aren't just okay, you know it's alright to talk to me. I might be a cesspit of hormones but I'm willing to put it aside best as possible and hear you out. You don't have to put on a brave face and listen to my problems all day. It's fine if you want to go all dark and twisty too. You were shot after all." Her hand absently fell to the center of his chest. Just across his beating heart and the winding scar.

"I'll keep that in mind. But you're the one carrying our baby. I need to keep it together so I can keep you together."

She sighed at his gesture. "I can take care of myself. I don't you need you around as my knight in shining... whatever all the time." Meredith insisted.

"I want to be your shining knight in whatever."

Her optics rolled at the commentary but she left it that without further argument. She finished off the rest of her boxed sandwich, it's contents barely filling her up enough although she refused to let Derek in on that information. She had done enough complaining for one day.

"Honestly, do you think that they're ever going to let the crazy pregnant lady do surgery again? I have to admit the time away from the OR is nice because it lets me relax but I can feel myself going off my rocker soon." She finally piped.

Derek gazed to his wife. His digits swept through her gold locks. She wanted to shiver at the touch. "Yes. You're a brilliant resident. They would be out of their minds to keep you away."

She glistened with joy. "Yeah?"

Nodding, he said, "Of course. In the meantime you can watch as many of my surgeries as you'd like. I might even be able to sneak you inside the OR if you want."

"That would be good." Meredith replied.

She relished how much Derek cared for her. It was a feeling and experience no man before had ever been able to provide. Derek made her vulnerable and for the longest time she fought that feeling. Except now, a piece of her desired to embrace it rather than fight it off. If she couldn't have surgery, she still had him.

They were a team.

* * *

_**Long Author's note please read! **_

**Hello everyone and welcome back to Breathe. It's been a while, a LONG while and I am so apologetic about this. I'm sorry I provided no warning about the absence I was taking but I really felt like it was something I needed. My life has been wildly chaotic in the last few months and I needed time to focus on that rather than spending hours at a screen writing. I adore to write though, it's my passion and brings me home in a sense. I did indeed feel lost without it in my break. I finally purchased a laptop too! I bought a MacBook Air and now writing new chapters and new content is going to be so much easier. I can't wait to share with you all (: **

**Another thing keeping me from writing was the events that went down on Grey's Anatomy in the last couple of episodes. I feel heartbroken and disgusted by words that were exchanged and actions made. I understand it isn't that serious to many but to me I was so heartbroken. It really drained my creativity and it almost made me unsure if I even wanted to write about Meredith Grey anymore. However, after some thinking I knew in my heart the Meredith Krista Vernoff is portraying is not **_**our **_**Meredith. I've disengaged myself from the new one because I know who exactly Meredith Grey is and it is not that woman in season 15. **

**I'm still going to continue Since You've Been Gone too because I feel like it's my job in a way to correct the wrongs and make them rights. I still want to explore how I see life continuing for Meredith if Derek were alive. I want that for her, the right Meredith. **

**Another reason I've been turned off from MerDer was Ellen Pompeo. I understand actors aren't their characters but recently words and actions she's displayed in the media have made me sick. I am an avid Patrick Dempsey lover and I just couldn't sit back and support a woman who clearly despises him on so many levels. **

**A little info on this chapter, it is a little shorter than my usual ones I know. It's not because I had no inspiration left in me but I felt like there was nothing left to tell for this particular chapter. The theme of this story is somewhat of re-write in season 7. I feel like I'm the show Meredith was always so surgery hungry that it took away from what really mattered in her life. I'm stretching the no surgery plot because it's going to give her clarity on her pregnancy and what it means to become a mother. Just hold on tight for me! **

**All in all though, I should be back! I'd like for you to be on the lookout for updates coming for SYBG and Pick Your Poison. Both of those stories are near and dear to my heart. Thank you so much for coming along on this right, I appreciate your support. Any reviews are so greatly appreciated. **

**Thank you so much for reading.**


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